literature

On Friendship

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Friendship.

What does friendship mean?

What makes somebody a friend, as opposed to an acquaintance?

Are you friends with somebody merely because you know them well?  Doesn't that make everybody who reads an auto bibliography friends with the author?

Are friends merely people you have a good time with?

Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately, because of a problem I'm dealing with with an individual who has been my only serious friend for the past three years.  This individual - well, it's between us, so I will simply explain it as that I was lied to, basically because my friend was afraid of hurting me with the truth.

Now, this is a very serious problem for me, because honesty has always been my number one priority in friendships.  I never really questioned this value, it seemed obvious - you can't be friends with somebody you can't be honest with, who can't be honest with you.  Why would I question it?  Well, I've been questioning it, because it has been my most important, if not my only criterion for friendship, and I've been trying to decide whether or not this person could have been acting as my friend in lying to me.

This isn't going to be a proof of my perspective, so don't expect the logic to leap out at you and declare this as true, these are just some thoughts I feel like sharing with others who may need or want them.

Now, first, a friend isn't merely somebody who you have a good time with.  I'm sure you could find some sadistic souls who have a good time with people by tormenting them, and they surely aren't being friends with anybody.

I think a friend is somebody who you share your life with.  Not necessarily by verbally sharing it with them, though you could, but just by being willing to give them a little space in your life.  And I use "in your life" in a specific way - I mean you're actually including them in your experiences.  And if they're your friend, they'll share their lives with you.

I think that's a fairly good definition, and I don't think anybody will disagree.  Now, where to go from there?

Well, first, what about fair weather friends?  Friends who are only around for the good times?  Well, they obviously aren't willing to share lives with you - a life isn't merely good times, after all.  So they aren't really friends.  Leeches would be a better description.  People willing to share in your pleasure, but not willing to dampen their own for your sake.

And dishonesty?  Well... I think I can toss that out, really, because - sharing lives meaning sharing the lives that are actually being lived.  Deceit of most any kind, from outright lying, to simply pretending to feel something or be something you don't or aren't, is a failure to share your life.  Boy, that wasn't hard.  I was expecting a couple of paragraphs to establish that idea here.  But then, I'm not trying to prove anything.

But let's elaborate, because just tossing it right out won't help anybody reading this.  These are abstract ideas; they're hard to put into practice, as I'm well aware.

What's a lie?  Well, it's something said that isn't true, that is known not to be true.  Why would you tell one to somebody?  Because the truth isn't pleasant, because you don't want the truth known - it is in some manner shameful to you.  When you lie to a friend, you are... not merely not telling them the truth, you are making a decision that you would rather not share this aspect of your life with them.  No, that's not what you're deciding, because that decision would be simply the decision to not talk about it at all.  You are making a decision that you want them to THINK you're sharing your life with them, without actually doing so.  Ah.  Now why would you want to do that?  Let's get back to that.

Makeup is a deceit.  Wearing it is the decision not to share your face with the world.  You want the world to THINK you're sharing your face with them, but you would really rather not - and to those who would argue that isn't the idea at all, isn't the primary goal in makeup to look natural, to make the world think it's looking at your face?  Some would argue that this isn't a significant deceit, that what you look like isn't all that important - but if it wasn't, what's the point in wearing the makeup?  What about little white lies?  They aren't that important, what's the big deal?  Well, if a lie isn't about something important, what's the point in telling it?  It's obviously important enough to lie about.

What about other deceits?  Emotional, or otherwise mental deceits?  Pretending to be a nice person for the sake of a "friend," for example, when all you want to do is cuss them out and slap them around all day?  (No real world example here; I was quite frustrated, and my friend knew it quite well.)  Let's come back to that question now.  Why would you want to do that?  Why would you care to pretend to be nice to someone?

Loneliness.  Ah, now there's a word.  I felt an awful lot of that through the spat with my friend - I'm over it now, or I wouldn't be talking about all of this, so don't let it bother you.  We desperately need friends, we desperately need, as humans, fellow human beings to share our experiences with.

But... but wait.  What experiences?  Oh yeah, those fake ones.  Boy.  That's got to leave you feeling a lot less lonely.  I can't say for sure - I've never had that kind of relationship - but somehow I think having nothing but "friends" you lie to is going to leave you feeling a little alone, even when surrounded by them.

Now, what was that question?  Ah yes.  Why would you lie to somebody?  In my case, it was because my friend thought the truth would hurt me.  Well, okay... but that first lie led to others, to cover up the first.  Until basically I was being lied to about a pretty large period of time, in addition to the nature of our friendship.  (The first lie was a request for my opinion by way of telling me that there was a decision that was going to be made, when the decision had already been made.)  If my friend hadn't slipped up - repeatedly - the next day, the lives we were sharing wouldn't have been the lives we were living at all.  We would not, in effect, have been friends any more.  Eventually things would have normalized, just because the matter wasn't all that important, and the lives we were sharing would have been our lives again - if, of course, further lies weren't told, further deceit wasn't made, and the friendship made into an illusion once again.

I'm a clever fellow.  Put me in that situation for very long and I'll figure out that the friendship isn't real, and will eventually drop it.  In this case, however, slip-ups were made, and a polite if emotional fight ensued.

I'm interjecting my own experiences here, because I'm writing this, so you'll have to put up with it.  The short answer to my deliberations on deceit?  A lie about a single aspect of your life doesn't necessarily mean you aren't being friends.  But by lying, you are taking the risk that either the lie will be outed, or additional lies will need to be made to cover it up.  If it was important enough to lie about, I doubt it will be any less important when time comes to decide, particularly when the importance of not being caught in a lie is thrown in as well.  And then you are ceasing to act like a friend, as you are ceasing to share your life.

And honestly, would YOU want to be friends with somebody who is willing to throw the essence if not the name of your friendship away over a small matter?  What about a big matter?  Even if it is for your own good?

So... you aren't necessarily not being friends.  But you're still betraying the friendship.

My friend and I have made up now, incidentally - sort of.  My friend has promised to honor my values for friendship, because my friendship is valuable enough to them to do so.  I don't know if I'll be able to convince this individual, however, that the reasons my friendship IS so valuable, why I am such a good friend, are the values I have put behind it.  I think this person treats friendship as something mystical - some people magically are good friends, and some magically are poor friends.

Incidentally, I am willing to do just about anything for a friend, because - well, I'm sharing in their lives.  Their miseries are my miseries.  Their joys are my joys.  And I will do just about anything to make sure their lives are as good as they possibly can be.

It may not sound like an Objectivist ideal, but trust me, my motives are purely selfish.  I won't be friends with miserable people, people who make bad decisions for themselves, people who are unwilling to be happy.  That's not a friendship that makes my life better, and although I could certainly make their lives better, it would be at my own expense.  I choose individuals who are already happy, or at least are capable of it, to share my life with.  There are very, very few people who fit that simple criterion.  Most people are filled with guilt and shame even they're not really aware of, or are otherwise unwilling or unable to be truly happy, at least without some chemical help.

Which is why I will stand up to friends for their own sake, including sacrificing my friendship with them - after all, it's not as if I'd be losing anything, just a "friendship" that would otherwise have been dropped, or maybe made me miserable.
A non-formal essay about... well, friendship. It's pretty much my train of thought in motion, so I may have lost some cargo.
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Sushimitzu's avatar
As I also think that honesty is the most important factor about a friendship, this helped me a lot. Thanks.